Celeste
Josephine's Story
10-12-97 to 6-22-98
My pregnancy seemed to go without problems. In the last
month or so, I kept having to go in for extra tests, but no one really said why.
I tried not to worry even though my gut feeling told me something might be
wrong. On June 22, 1998, my girlfriend insisted on coming with me to the
doctor's office. I was only a week away
from the due date and wanted to push the doctors to induce labor. I
know now that God made sure that she was with me that day because my husband
couldn't be.
I went to the sonogram room, and we didn't see the baby's
heartbeat. The doctor asked when
was the last time I had felt the baby move.
I told her this morning. I
asked if my baby had died and she replied with a very soft yes. All I could do was cry. I couldn't believe we had made it
this far and that my baby wasn't going to be here with me.
As we drove to my house we tried to reason that maybe the
baby is okay and that they made a mistake.
As we pulled up, I saw my husband running outside with the bags we had
packed for labor and delivery. I told him to go back into the house.
When I got to the top of the stairs, I had to tell him the horrible news.
I remember him crying and saying that they must have made a mistake.
We went to the hospital that night. The nurse was very
sympathetic and asked me if I wanted to hold the baby after delivery, if I
wanted pictures of the baby, if I wanted the baby baptized and if I would like
to spend time alone with the baby after it was born. I remember answering yes to all her questions and that she
told me I needed to do all those things for closure.
At 7:00 p.m. I was induced.
At 11:53 p.m. I delivered a 5 lb, 5 oz baby girl. I saw nothing wrong with her, and I asked myself why didn't
they just take my baby before? So
what if she was only a week early? We named her Celeste Josephine.
I remember my husband on the phone with his brother while holding the
baby telling him how beautiful she was. He
held her for an hour before they came and took her away.
June 24, 1998, was the last day I got to see my baby at the
funeral home. We spent a hour with
her, then had to leave her there. She
looked so beautiful with her headband on and her pretty pink dress.
I put a baby duck in her coffin and her first car keys.
My husband and I discussed having another baby many times
but we wanted to wait at least six months.
I felt like I had done something wrong with God that I was being
punished. I went to church almost
every day to ask for his forgiveness.
My husband and I were constantly fighting and at that point
didn't even know if my marriage was going to last. I thought that I was having a nervous breakdown; I became
very introverted and constantly had panic attacks. I couldn't leave my house and
would never be able to be alone. I
finally talked my husband into letting me get online. When I did I found all kinds of outlets and people who have
gone through the same thing as me.
I am very happy to say that I did become pregnant again in
December 1998 and had a beautiful baby girl on August 31, 1999.
Her name is Lourdes Celeste.
