Deanna's Miscarriage Keepsake Cards
Stephanie's Angels
I have experienced many kinds of losses--a neonatal death, first trimester losses, and a loss of fetal heartbeat at 13 weeks. In all I have been pregnant eight times, with two wonderful sons aged five and three, five angels, and one currently on the way.
When I found out that I was pregnant for the first time, we were thrilled! We were young and never thought that anything would go wrong. In fact, everything went fine with the pregnancy. It wasn't until after he was born that I became concerned. His lips were bluish, and he didn't want to suck. Hunter James died 18 hours after he was born to HPLHS. We were devastated, but we still longed for another child. My husband didn't want to try again right away so we waited about a year.
We found out in May of 1993 that we were expecting again. I was thrilled but reserved at the same time. I went to the doctor right away, and everything looked good. I switched doctors to be closer to home, but when the new physician examined me, he said I was not pregnant. I assured him that I was.
He sent me for a blood test which indicated that I was about six weeks pregnant. I should have been about eight weeks at that point, but I just blew it off. I went home that night to find that I was spotting. I called the doctor, but he coldly told me that there was nothing that he could do. He told me to go to bed and to go to the emergency room if the bleeding got worse. I did end up in the ER that night and had a D&C the next morning. It brought back all of the feelings that we had when we lost Hunter. We were wondering what we had ever done to deserve such pain.
Again, my husband wasn't ready to try again right away. I told him that I had to. We waited only three months. I was uptight until the end, but finally, finally, our son was born August 24, 1994. We named him Forrest. Our next pregnancy also went well, and we had another boy named Chase. We thought the nightmare was over.
However, our next pregnancy ended quickly, at only 7 1/2 weeks. We had started this nightmare all over again. The doctor said that we could try again right away.
After eight months of trying, we learned we were expecting in May of 1999. This time I was taking progesterone. Everything was going well until my 13-week appointment. The doctor couldn't find the heartbeat. She said that it was early and that I should come back in a week. I went back in a week and she still couldn't find the heartbeat. She sent me for an ultrasound. Our perfect little baby was still! No heartbeat, no movement. I was shocked. We had Forrest and Chase with us in the doctor's office, and they were confused.
A midwife finally came in and gave us very few answers. She told us that the doctor wanted to do a D&C the next day. I wasn't ready for that. I went home and we cried together. We had to tell Forrest. Chase still didn't really know what was going on. Forrest had a lot of questions that we couldn't answer. I called the doctor the next day and asked for another ultrasound. I was hoping for a miracle. We went the next day but nothing had changed. We scheduled a D&C.
On New Year's Eve, we found out we were pregnant again. It was wonderful! I was so happy! This couldn't happen to us again. I made an appointment with the doctor right away, but began spotting immediately. Two days later I miscarried. I was six weeks pregnant. My doctor referred me to an infertility specialist and he started testing. He is testing for immune problems and chromosomes. None of the test results are back yet, but I am pregnant again. I am only about two weeks into this pregnancy. I am terrified that we will lose this baby too. I am not even happy this time. I can't be until I know that everything will be okay. I just pray every day that God will allow us to have this baby here on earth with us.
You may email Stephanie at angelmommyto4@aol.com
Update:
Stephanie lost this sixth baby right after she wrote this story, in February 2000, at six weeks.