A video to end the silence.

In the book trailer for the novel Baby Dust, eight women talk about their losses and how they are ready to speak freely to friends and family about their babies.

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Baby Dust: 
A Novel about Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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"Absolutely stunning, compelling...the truth of what women go through."

Robyn Bear
founder of
Pregnancy Loss
Remembrance Day

"Baby Dust sheds a light on the all-too taboo subject of miscarriage in a raw, compelling, and incredibly realistic way."

Kristin Cook
founder of
Faces of Loss,
Faces of Hope

If you read Baby Dust and fell in love with Stella, the leader of the miscarriage group, she now has her own book of how she and her husband met. No sadness here, just a roller coaster romance between two out-of-the-box characters.

Click to learn more about Stella and Dane

___________

Deanna also has a new FREE ebook on getting pregnant again, based on her tried-and-true, easy-to-follow 
Sperm Meets Egg Plan

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Need a place to store your sonograms and memories?

In the Company of Angels: 
A Memorial Book
is a baby record book just for babies lost to miscarriage or stillbirth. 

Get it at Amazon

Get one discounted through the publisher

 

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When you have a choice between surgery 
and natural miscarriage or labor

Usually you will be offered a choice between surgery and either waiting for a natural miscarriage or having induced labor.  The two types of surgery are D&C (dilate and curettage) or a D&E (dilate and evacuation--for bigger babies between 14 and 20 weeks). Some doctors prefer you wait for it to happen naturally due to the small risks of dilating the cervix for a D&C. Waiting it out is typically only for those less than 10 weeks along due to the risk of blood clots and hemorrhage, but this depends on your doctor. On rare occasions, you may be offered a methotrexate shot and a suppository to bring on a natural miscarriage. (See first trimester.) As for the choosing between a D&E and actual labor, state laws vary about the age of viability, and you may fall in the gray area, which will be discussed later. 

 

Things to think about when choosing between natural labor and D&C surgery:

Do I want to wait for a natural miscarriage?

Advantages: If you wait, you can feel certain that there was no mistake made. When the baby comes you will know that nature has run its course. You can go home instead of going immediately to a hospital or office procedure. You can take a little time to say goodbye and gather loved ones around you.

Disadvantages: For some women, this process is not much worse than a bad period, for for many, it can take several days and be extremely painful and scary. You may have to have a D&C anyway if everything does not come out (called an incomplete abortion). It may be distressing to think of walking around with your baby who is no longer living. Having tissue come at home may be frightening and you may feel awkward, not sure if you save it, or bury it, or what to do.

Do I want a D&C?

Advantages: This is mostly painless and will get you back on track to start trying again much sooner. The physical part of the ordeal will end.

Disadvantages: There is some risk of damaging the cervix during dilation, although that has mostly been taken care of by using laminaria, or seaweed sticks to dilate you gently overnight. Some doctors now use a cream to begin dilation. (If this will not be done, ask if you are going to be dilated (very early pregnancies may not need it, and your cervix may already be opening), and how. Mechanical dilation is riskier. Some women also worry about punctures or perforations of the uterus. While this is a possibility, the risk is small. Even if this should this happen, the uterus will usually heal without complications or harm to your next pregnancy. The main disadvantage to this procedure is that you will not get to see the baby, ever. Most clinics and hospitals will have the baby's remains cremated. If you are pretty far along, holding the baby may be very important to you.

If your doctor does not agree with your decision to either wait or to have a D&C, GET A SECOND OPINION. This is your baby and your life. If you need a second opinion, a good place to go is a women's hospital or clinic, where they usually focus on you, not the procedure, and help you make the best decision based on all the information available.

The Gray Area

The death of your baby becomes a legal issue somewhere between 20-28 weeks gestation. Some countries, or regions within a country, require labor and delivery at 24 weeks; some allow the doctor some discretion. Naturally, if you have already begun early labor, you may not have a choice. If your labor could be stopped, then the miscarriage might not happen at all. Otherwise, the cause of the miscarriage is usually Fetal Demise, and if the baby died well before the exam that showed no heartbeat, then it may measure out smaller than the pregnancy would indicate.

There will be a viability point, usually at 24 weeks, where you have no choice but to deliver the baby. To find out more about this, and whether or nor you want or will be able to have your baby's remains, you may want to read about the politics of fetal death.

Things to think about when choosing between a D&E and induced labor:

Do I want a D&E (if eligible)?

Advantages: This is mostly painless and will get you back on track to start trying again much sooner. The physical part of the ordeal will end.

Disadvantages: You will never see your baby, and if you are like me, where the baby was too small to see its sex and the chromosome tests do not come out, you will never even know if your baby was a boy or a girl.

Do I want to deliver the baby through labor?

Advantages: You will get to hold your baby, take a picture if you want, and say goodbye. It will be very, very hard and sad, but it will make you feel better later.

Disadvantages: Although this is not always the case, the drugs they give you to dilate your cervix and induce labor might make you very sick—throwing up, diarrhea, some women have mentioned hallucinations and terrible fear. It can take many hours or even days to get dilated enough to get the baby out. And the result is the same: you have done all this labor to see a baby that is not alive.

Different doctors will push different options. Weigh them the best you can and make sure you get what you want. Even if you regret your decision later (as I do), remember that there simply is no good way to deliver a baby who has died. It's a terrible thing no matter what.