- Whether you were 4 weeks or 40 weeks along, this was your baby. From the
moment the nurse called you to say the test was positive (or you saw the
purple line!), you began to think about that baby, dressing him/her up in
cute clothes, walking down the street pushing a stroller, handing the baby
over to proud grandparents, and countless other dreams. You DO NOT need to
pretend the baby did not exist or that your child wasn't a "real"
baby. Even if others think you are being excessively emotional, do what you
need to do to get through this. One thing that is very helpful is making a
memory box for your baby.
You may have many things to go inside: pictures from the birth, a hospital ID bracelet, the outfit your baby wore, the blanket he/she was wrapped in, and the many mementos from your pregnancy. You may have only a few: a positive pregnancy test, a journal tracing your attempts to get pregnant and hearing the good news, sympathy cards, dried flowers from sympathy bouquets, or a sonogram printout or videotape. You may have nothing yet.
Things to add to your memory box, even if it was years ago:
 | A letter to your baby describing your love |
| A dried leaf or branch from a tree you planted in your baby's honor |
| An outfit or stuffed animal you bought especially to remind you of him/her |
| A small journal detailing your feelings |
| Printouts of messages from women you talk to on the Internet about your baby (I did this!) |
| A birth or name certificate that you make with scrapbooking supplies or on a computer |
| A poem you read that reminded you of the baby |
It may seem odd to other people, and even to yourself, to make elaborate plans AFTER the baby died, but it will help. I have no greater comfort than the heart pendant I had engraved with our baby's name. I can wear it everywhere and look at it whenever I want. It is sort of like carrying Casey around with us; I would never leave it behind. And spending time arranging and rearranging the items in his memory box gives me an outlet for all the mothering feelings I still have.
I also turned my small flower garden into a memorial garden. I have a small baby statue, an angel birdbath, and a place to sit among the flowers. Since I have no grave to visit, I can go there. And even years from now, when I (hopefully) have many children, I can go there and feel happy and remember Casey.
One unique source of memorial items is the Bereaved Mothers Web Site. They sell a beautiful print of a mother by an empty cradle who is watched over by Jesus holding her infant. They also have inexpensive pins and jewelry of baby feet and hands, with or without angels, stickers of baby's feet the exact size of a 10-week-old fetus, and little formed statues of 12-week-old babies with the details and weight the baby would have had. A link to see these items, or to join their email group, is the pink graphic below.
- Naming the baby is a strong personal choice laden with emotions either
way. You will go through many phases after a miscarriage. At times you will
want to cling to the memory, therefore wanting to name it. At other times
you will want to put it behind you. My initial advice to you is to go ahead
and name your baby, especially if your pregnancy was widely known. It will
help you refer to your baby to others and in your own mind. To think this
decision through, consider the following thoughts that will likely pop into
your head:
Naming the baby seems like a waste of the name.
Believe me, when you get pregnant again, you will not want to name the new baby a name you had already picked out. Although we named our baby something non-gender specific (Casey), we still ruled out the names we had originally chosen, Savannah and Benjamin, for our second pregnancy. We had a sort of irrational fear that we would jinx the new baby. So don't save the name for later; call the baby what you intended to call it all along, whether you know the sex or not. The only reason we chose a different name is because we wanted to name it right away and we thought we would find out the sex later when the chromosome test was done. As it turned out, we never knew. But that first Christmas, we chose a little girl named Savannah to buy gifts for through our church and also keep watch for a Benjamin. It helps us to know we are assisting some little ones with those names, in Casey's memory. We couldn't do this if we didn't have a name.
I was only a few weeks along. Why bother?
It's hard to judge how you will feel later. By naming the baby, you make him or her more real, making the grief harder to deal with. While this may not seem like something you want to do, the grief is out there and you have to work through it. Naming or not naming the baby does not change the situation, but later on, when you are less grief-stricken and more nostalgic, particularly if you get pregnant again, you will like to think of the baby by its name. It will help you separate the babies in your mind, which is far healthier than thinking of the new one as a replacement.
I don't know the sex of the baby.
There are dozens of great names that aren't associated with a gender. Ours was Casey Shay. And there are many others: Adrian, Aiden, Alex, Blair, Bret, Chase, Christian, Chris, Dakota, Danny, Denver, Drew, Gabriel, Hayden, Jersey, Jesse, Jody, Julian, Kelly, Kennedy, Lane, Lee, Lesley, Logan, Madison, Micky, Morgan, Nicky, Quinlan, Robin, Sloan, Taylor. I hope this gets you started. You can, of course, simply go with the sex of your choice as well. I find it unlikely you'll go to heaven to discover a very angry little boy named Martha. He'll already be going by Marty.
I didn't name my first miscarriage. I feel bad naming this one.
It's okay to name your baby after the fact, even if it has been years. You will want to remember your pregnancies separately, and the names will help. Think back to that pregnancy, and you will probably remember a name or two that you favored from the moment the test was positive. Use it. Also, if you look at my angel dedication pages, you will see several mothers who have one named baby and several "unnamed." This is okay too.
My first son was going to be a "junior" with his father's name. What should I do?
I think it's okay to save a name like that, especially if it's a long standing family tradition. Give this baby another name, but name it all the same.
I just don't feel comfortable calling a dead child by a name. It's over. Why make it more sad?
I urge you to examine WHY you feel that way. A lost baby is terribly sad, no matter what. Are you afraid that the grief will not end? It will take a while, but you will feel better. You will always be wistful; you will always wish the baby was with you. But you will get better. Naming the baby simply makes it clearer who you are wistful about.
My husband and family don't want me to name the baby.
Are you sure? Could it be that they don't want you to suffer any more, so they say these things to try and help you forget about the baby? Or perhaps they are afraid THEY will be more sad. Remind them that naming the baby will help you feel better. And simply start referring to the baby by name. If you find you can't talk to them, find friends or support groups for mothers who will listen. They will be glad to hear your baby's name.
If, in the end, you still don't want to name you baby, then don't. You can always do it later if you want to.
Services for the baby
- Many parents want to have some sort of memorial service for their baby. You do not have to have a burial plot or other tangible remains in order to hold a service. If you actually have the baby to place in a little coffin, or if you were given the ashes from a cremation, then you can go the traditional route and hold a memorial at the funeral home or by the grave. Whether or not you want the memorial in the paper to alert your community to the service is up to you. I think you will find many people will come to support you. Don't think people will avoid this service simply because they did not meet your baby.
- If you did not get to keep any remains of your baby, you may still hold a service at your church or in another lovely location, such as a park or garden. You can plant a tree in your yard and have others gather for the dedication of the tree or a plaque. You can do the same with a memorial garden, making the focus be the baby or have the dedication be a part of a party to show your garden in full bloom. Your service can include a member of the clergy, or you may simply have people say a few words. You can scatter rose petals or bird seed off a cliff or into water. Many people have released balloons with messages inside.