A video to end the silence.

In the book trailer for the novel Baby Dust, eight women talk about their losses and how they are ready to speak freely to friends and family about their babies.

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Baby Dust: 
A Novel about Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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"Absolutely stunning, compelling...the truth of what women go through."

Robyn Bear
founder of
Pregnancy Loss
Remembrance Day

"Baby Dust sheds a light on the all-too taboo subject of miscarriage in a raw, compelling, and incredibly realistic way."

Kristin Cook
founder of
Faces of Loss,
Faces of Hope

If you read Baby Dust and fell in love with Stella, the leader of the miscarriage group, she now has her own book of how she and her husband met. No sadness here, just a roller coaster romance between two out-of-the-box characters.

Click to learn more about Stella and Dane

___________

Deanna also has a new FREE ebook on getting pregnant again, based on her tried-and-true, easy-to-follow 
Sperm Meets Egg Plan

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Need a place to store your sonograms and memories?

In the Company of Angels: 
A Memorial Book
is a baby record book just for babies lost to miscarriage or stillbirth. 

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Information for Teens

I receive quite a bit of mail from young women with unwanted pregnancies. This page is about this situation, not for young mothers who were ready and able to keep their babies.

The desperation and uncertainty you feel when you discover you are pregnant are unique to you. I have based my advice in this section on your emails and comments. I know you are in a difficult position, whether you want to end your pregnancy or you have lost a baby you didn't really want to begin with. 

I will do my best to help you, but understand that some of these topics are very controversial and most likely you will have to enlist the help of an understanding adult at some point.

Always, always, call a doctor's office to get advice if you are concerned about anything. You don't even have to give them your name. 

Topics:

I'm bleeding and no one knows I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I think I've had a miscarriage. How do I know for sure?
Do I need to go to the doctor if I think I've been pregnant and had a miscarriage?
I don't want this baby. Can I make myself have a miscarriage?
I'm so sad about losing the baby, I think I want to get pregnant again right away.
Two Teen Stories
 

I'm bleeding and no one knows I'm pregnant. What do I do?

 
Before you panic completely, check out the section on signs of miscarriage to learn a little more. 
 
If you fall into one of the categories below, you simply have to see a doctor. Your health is way more important than the embarrassment, anger and disappointment of your parents, or any other thing you may feel. 
 
Call a doctor immediately if the following has happened: 
You took a pregnancy test that was positive, then a later one was negative. This could be an ectopic pregnancy, which could cause hemorrhaging and even death. You MUST see a doctor immediately. If you feel sharp stabbing cramps in your shoulder or abdomen, go to an emergency room. 
You know you are pregnant and you are feeling both cramping and bleeding at the same time. You may be miscarrying and you must be checked. 
You know you are pregnant, and the bleeding is enough to make you change pads (do not use tampons if you have had a positive pregnancy test.)
Feel free to call any OB/Gyn you can find, or a Planned Parenthood, and simply say you haven't been in for your first visit yet. They will help you. Make sure you know the day you last had a period.

 

I think I've had a miscarriage. How do I know for sure?

Many young women think they have had miscarriage because their period is late, and then is heavy, painful and full of clots. While it is possible that you did have a miscarriage, remember that ANY late period is going to be heavier and have clots in it. A late period is caused by many things, most often stress, especially if you were under stress in the first two weeks of your cycle. Most teen girls are not all that regular, so unless you have had a positive pregnancy test and then began bleeding, you will never know for sure. See the symptoms of miscarriage for more help.

 

Do I need to go to the doctor if I think I've been pregnant and had a miscarriage?

If you have had a positive pregnancy test and have lost the baby, yes, you absolutely must go to the doctor. You do not want to jeopardize your health.  If you are unsure about whether or not you were pregnant and lost the baby or if you were not pregnant to begin with, it always best to go a doctor or clinic. It is probably time to discuss a safe, effective method of birth control anyway.

AN IMPORTANT NOTE: If your blood type is rH negative, such as O negative, A negative, B negative, or AB negative, and you suspect at all that you were pregnant, see a doctor immediately. If you miscarry an rH positive baby without getting a certain shot to prevent antibodies being produced, then you may jeopardize every pregnancy you will ever have in your life. Don't mess around with this. Ask your mom your blood type, and get help. There is a time limit on the effectiveness of this shot.

 

I don't want this baby. Can I make myself have a miscarriage?   

No, you can't. Movies often show women who fall down stairs or have accidents and lose their babies. This is not really true. The baby is well cushioned in the body and will not be harmed by falls, kicks, blows, or other violence to the stomach. Only the mother will get hurt.  If you are here, reading this, then I know you are desperate. You have to get help from someone. Yes, it is going to be very hard. Embarrassing. Horrible. But so are the alternatives, harming yourself or giving birth to a baby with severe birth defects because you have tried to use alcohol or drug abuse to end the pregnancy. If you're thinking of this, you are not alone, young women write me at least once a week in this situation. Do not be ashamed of how frantic you feel. It's okay. But remember, you have options, wherever you are. You do not have to resort to desperate measures. Be wise and make your choices well.   

I didn't want this baby I lost. So why am I so sad?   

Even if the pregnancy was unwanted, you had charted a new course in your life. That new course is now gone and you are back to regular life. You are going to be sad and bewildered. This is expected. Even if you were going to give the baby up, you are sad because a little life is gone. Remember too that much of what you feel is part of the hormone changes your body is going through. All women experience a "baby blues" period after a pregnancy, regardless of how it ended. It will fade. You will feel better again. Give yourself some time.   

I am so sad about losing the baby, I think I want to get pregnant again right away.

Part of what you feel is the hormone change going on in your body following the pregnancy. You will soon recover from this part of your loss. Make sure you are really thinking about what you want in your future before you make such a huge decision. Remember all the challenges you were going to have to face if you had the baby. Are you ready to love and support and raise a child? Are you ready to give up all that has be sacrificed to make a baby happy? Who will be glad for you that you are pregnant again?    Also remember that women are advised to wait several menstrual cycles before trying again. There are many risks to unprotected sex until you are healed, and you want to make sure the miscarriage is completely over before trying again (sometimes the miscarriage leaves tissue inside causing new bleeding a few weeks later). Definitely do not attempt a second pregnancy without visiting a doctor, who must make sure your body is ready for another pregnancy.   The time for babies will come. I hope you can wait until that time is right, hopefully when you are settled and everyone is joyful about the news.

 

Teen Stories

Skye

My mom took me to the clinic where they had free pregnancy testing. It felt even worse when a guy that my mom had known from church came out and asked me if I could give a urine sample. My mom was pretty embarrassed.  I did so and gave him the cup.  The guy came in and asked a bunch of questions like: my age, if I had a boyfriend, if he would be supportive, what was I going to do if I was. 

I asked if I was pregnant and he said,  “you definitely are.”  I was in shock.  I couldn’t breathe.  All I thought was,  "fifteen and pregnant!"  I immediately asked for my mom.  She knew right away and started lecturing like she always does.  We never get along.  I told her I was sorry.  She said not to be sorry but that it was going to be hard. The doctor asked me what I was going to go to do. I knew already from thinking about it before.  I was going to keep my baby. 

As soon as I got home I called Luke (the baby’s father and my boyfriend).  He was so happy.  Finally he told his mom.  She blamed the whole thing on me. “Why wasn’t she on birth control? Why was she having unprotected sex?”

 Luke ended up coming over that night. About an hour after he got there, his mom called and was yelling and lecturing that she wasn’t going to help us and she wasn’t supporting this at all.  All the drama scared him and he didn’t want the baby anymore.  We fought forever it felt like.  Finally I broke down and said, “Fine, I’ll kill our child,” even though deep in my heart I thought differently.  We went to bed; he woke me up early in the morning and told me he wanted to keep the baby.  I was so happy! 

A couple days went by and I had my first OB appointment.  I was so excited.  My mom and my dad took me.  They took tons of blood.  They checked it for iron levels, Rh factor, immunities, and rubella virus.  I had to give another urine sample. They checked that for protein, and hCG.  They also took my blood pressure and my weight.  Then I had to explain all my family history along with Luke’s.  After about an hour and a half of that, I had to go sit back in the waiting room.

 A little later a nurse came out and said I had to see the nurse practitioner.  My OB doctor had a delivery.  They put me in a room and told me to get undressed and put this gown thing on. I got undressed and put the paper towel material gown on, waiting patiently.  The lady came in and explained everything she would be doing. I laid back and she pushed on my stomach and then did a breast exam. It hurt more than anything because my breast were so tender from being pregnant.  Next was the Pap smear part. This was my first one.  It didn’t hurt but I felt a lot of pressure.  She did an STD check and swabbed for bacteria. Then she did a pelvic exam. She stuck two fingers inside while pushing on my stomach.  She was checking the size of my uterus.  After she was done she said everything looked fine.  Just take good care of myself. We left. By then it was lunchtime. I was still feeling nauseated so I went home and went to bed.

Everything was going fine, besides my mom and I fighting.  Then Monday came.  When I came home from school my mom said the doctors office had called.  I was supposed to call them right away.  So I called and asked to talk to a nurse.  When the nurse got on the phone she said my STD testing came back. I had chlamydia. That was a total shock to me. I didn’t know anything about it. The nurse explained that it was a bacterial infection, antibiotics treated it. She assured me that it wouldn’t hurt my baby.  That’s when I started getting really stressed out.  My school wasn’t cooperating, at all, Luke was still doing drugs, my mom and I were still fighting, and I was still worried about any other STDs. I was so stressed out.  It was like I was the only one who wanted this baby.

The week went by fine. I started my new school for pregnant teens. It was teaching me a lot about the baby and my body.  I was having cramping in the beginning of the week. I thought it was just my uterus stretching. Then Thursday came. It was right before lunch and I went to the bathroom. There were two brown discharge spots on my underwear. I immediately got scared. Everything went through my mind. Like when Luke and me read bedtime stories to the baby, when we went to Sears to pick out a stroller and crib, when my mom brought home some baby clothes, or when we picked out the names. After I sat in the bathroom for about five minutes I went and told my teacher. She made me call my doctors. They told me if the discharge turned bright red and I had cramping call back. I made it through the rest of the day but I was still worried.

 When I went to the bathroom I had a pinkish discharge with stringy things. I was home all by myself. I started freaking out and called the doctor right away. They told me to come down there as soon as possible. Amazingly my mom came home right when I got off the phone. She took me down there. They gave me a pelvic exam. He said everything was fine, I just had yeast infection and that my uterus was a little small for almost being 10 weeks. He also told me my cervix was totally closed and I wasn’t miscarrying. He scheduled an ultrasound for the following Monday. I went home a little scared but I was okay because my cervix was totally closed.

Thursday went by and Friday night I started bleeding like a period.  I called the doctor and they said it was probably from them messing around up there. They told me to keep off my feet and put them at heart level. I went to bed. Saturday went by fine until I started having what felt like cramps. My bleeding was getting heavier too. Luke and I went down to the emergency room. We waited three and a half hours until I was finally seen. The doctor came in and said he was going to look first then have an ultrasound done. I started getting anxious but I was relieved because I was for sure going to find out what was wrong with me. They got me ready to give me a pelvic exam. After he was done, he stood up and said my cervix was opened. I asked if I was having a miscarriage. He said it was possible. He left the room, while the nurse was cleaning me up from all the blood loss. I lay there crying with Luke by my side while the nurse was wiping me like I was a baby.

I was taken down for an ultrasound. They started with a normal stomach one. They couldn’t see anything that way. So they ended up doing a vaginal ultrasound. I immediately recognized my baby. There was no blinking to indicate a heartbeat. Then she said she couldn’t see a heartbeat. I realized my baby was dead. I wasn’t going to be a mother. Luke wasn’t going to be a dad. I was in the process of having my dead baby.  They gave me Vicodin for the contractions and sent me home.

 I was lost. I lay there in shock, not knowing what to do, wondering why everything bad always happens to me. I finally fell asleep with Luke by my side.

 I woke up the next morning still bleeding not feeling the contractions until about three pm. Luke’s mom and family came over to visit me. Luke left and I lay there in pain. I got up trying to do things to take away the pain. I didn’t understand why the Vicodin wasn’t working. About six-thirty I couldn’t even stand. My mom took me back to the emergency room where they gave me a shot of pain medication. That worked. I cried and cried.  I just wanted it to be over. I wished Luke were there. I needed him by my side. They did another pap smear and some of the baby came out. I looked at the pieces. That was my child.  I went home and called Luke to come over. Later that night I delivered the rest of my child.

I ended up going back to the doctor the next day. Everything was fine. My cervix was closing. It was all over. I had given birth to my dead child. The next day I went over to Luke’s house to help him comfort his family, not knowing I was going to be told that he had lost feelings for me.

Now I look and realize all this made me stronger…. But now I’m attached to the thought of having a baby. Don’t worry I took the safe route and got the Depo shot. Luke and I are working on our relationship. We talk everyday about when we think we will be ready to try again. I’m making a memorial for our child. We hope and pray next time when were older and mature everything will go fine!!!

Rest In Peace Skye J

I hope my writing will help other teenage girls that go or have gone through the same thing. Also, this helps me because I could explain the story in my own words and get all my feelings out about it. I’m trying to start my own web site about miscarriage and teen pregnancy. I give thanks and support to all teen mothers and everyone else who reads this. To the girls who are in my shoes, some of us wonder if we are still mothers. This is what an anonymous mother who miscarried said:


You conceived a child.
You carried a child within your body.
You birthed a child in blood and pain.
If your child survived long enough in the womb you might of even held your child.
YOU ARE A MOTHER!

 

Dylan

 

When I was 16 I found out I was pregnant and 17 when my son Dylan was born and died, he lived for 19 hours.

Here's my story.
 
When Aaron and I first found out I was pregnant we were shocked.  I was only 16 years old and we had to break it to our families. Soon they all got used to the idea and we were all very excited. I was hoping for a baby boy so when I went to my 20 week scan and found I was expecting a little boy I was over the moon. 

All through my pregnancy I worried that something would go wrong, but when I was around 20 weeks I finally thought that every thing would be fine and I calmed down a bit. We started looking through loads of catalogs and choosing exactly what buggy and furniture we wanted, we couldn't wait to buy it all. I really wanted to start buying clothes for our baby so we decided that because my 17th birthday was coming up in a couple of weeks if I could wait until then. I would be at a reasonable stage in my pregnancy to buy clothes for our baby... So on May 20th we went into our local town and bought bottles, dummies, bibs, a towel and his clothes he would wear on the way home from the hospital.

On my birthday, I had my 22 week check up at my doctors and everything was going well. Every day I would look in the bag at all the things I had bought him, I was just so excited, all day long he would kick me but never when Aaron had his hand on my stomach to feel it. Then one night we were laying in bed and Aaron felt him kick for the first time. We were so happy.  

Six days after that appointment, I woke up and rushed to the toilet (as was normal by then, a baby doesn't leave much room for a bladder), then made some breakfast and sat down to watch TV. At around 11 am, I started getting some light pains in my stomach.. I told Aaron but I didn't think nothing much of it, throughout the day, the pains started getting stronger and more frequent, I looked on the Internet and decided they were Braxton Hicks (false) contractions. 

It seems stupid now, but to me they just weren't that painful... Everyone always tells you, "when you'rein labour, you'll know." I carried on with my day as best I could, but by around 3 pm I started to get really worried so I sent Aaron a text message to tell him. It then got to the stage that when these pains came I had to stop what I was doing, but my mum had arranged to come around that evening so I thought I would talk to her, it was now 5:30 in the evening and Aaron called to let me know he was leaving work.

By that time I was getting uncomfortable and he rushed home. I then heard a knock on the door and it was my mum, I told her about the pains and she was quite worried. Aaron then came home and wanted to call my midwife, but she didn't work on Thursdays, so he decided to call a help line. When Aaron told them my symptoms, they told us to ring the labour ward, he rang the labour ward & they told him to bring me in straight away. None of us had the means to drive to the hospital, so we had to wait for Aaron's sister to come and pick us up to take us there, as I would've found it difficult to walk. We did not know where the labour ward was so we walked to try and find it, by now these pains were coming every 90-60 seconds.

I had to go to the toilet yet again, so we found one, I then found out I was bleeding. We finally found the labour ward. I was so scared I didn't even know if my baby was still alive yet it took a midwife ages to come and see me, every time I felt a pain I was really worried then I would feel a kick and then know that my baby was still alive. 

Finally around 45 minutes after I arrived, a mid wife came to see me. She monitored my blood pressure, which was fine, then my temperature and that was a bit high. After that she hooked me up to a machine to monitor my baby's heart beat. She had trouble finding it at first, and I was so worried but then she found it and told me it was fine and I was over the moon. A consultant came in and told me that I was nearly fully dilated and what I had thought was Braxton Hicks were actually contractions.

My heart sunk.  I felt numb...  I knew that at 23 weeks my baby barely stood a chance, Aaron was holding my hand crying but I couldn't even cry. The doctor gave me a drug that made me really sleepy. Contractions were coming nearly on top of each other and all I really remember was a man asking if I wanted them to try and resuscitate my baby after it was born, I was so sleepy and confused it took me about 10 minutes to realize what he said and answered yes. After that all I remember is my body pushing then something happening, I thought my waters had broke but at 10:40 pm , I had actually give birth to my little boy. 

He was born in the sac, then a doctor took my baby away and I didn't get to see him. Another Doctor put a needle in my leg and took away the placenta. We named our son Dylan, before he was taken down to the neonatal ward I was allowed one quick glimpse of him. He was so perfect I saw him kick his leg up and move his tiny fingers. I then had a shower and I was moved on to the maternity ward. They let Aaron stay with me, but it was really horrible as we were put in a double room and the woman opposite had her baby. Me and Aaron kept crying because we wanted our baby to be with us. 

At around 2:30 am we were finally allowed to go and see our son properly for the first time. He was so small yet he was completely formed, He weighed 1 pound, 8 ounces. I couldn't touch him at first because he was just so tiny and I was scared that I would hurt him. His eyes were still closed and he had so many tubes in him. We were told he was doing well and he was a good weight for his age, I couldn't be with him for long, I was so tired and I couldn't stand up for long. I had to leave my baby and go back to the ward. That was the worst night of my life, all night I was kept awake by the crying baby opposite. The next morning I woke up, then went straight to see Dylan the doctors told us that he had deteriorated and had to be put on a better ventilator, so me and Aaron called in our parents and we got him baptized. 

Dylan was then given an injection for his lungs and he got stronger, he was put back on the original ventilator. Aaron and I were so happy, we took my brother and my friend to meet him, everybody then went. I had a rest, I was just getting settled then a midwife said that Aaron and I had to go down to neonatal immediately, we rushed down to our little man but he was deteriorating rapidly. We were then told that our baby was dying. 

That was when we got to hold our baby for the first time. The doctor then took all the tubes out and he died peacefully in our arms. After that we went in to another room and cuddled him and washed him and changed his nappy and dressed him for the first time. 

Our parent's couldn't handle seeing us hold our dead child. We were so lucky that we got to meet him and tell him we love him and tell him how special he is. We had a quiet little funeral for him at our local cemetery, I try to see him every day but Aaron doesn't always finish work in time. My Dad has made him a little cross with a brass plaque on it and he has lots of teddies on his grave. 

When we went to see Dylan at the funeral parlour we wrapped him in a blanket and placed his 'going home' clothes over him, we put a bib on him and placed a photo of us by his head, we also gave him a little teddy, a bottle, a dummy and wrote a little letter to him. My parents placed a card in with him and Aaron's parents picked him a few small flowers. It has now been 7 months since Dylan passed away and we are still finding it really hard. Dylan was our little angel, the best thing that ever happened to us. He was our number one, our first child, our everything.

Aaron and I have since gotten married and are now trying for our second child, we realize this child will NEVER in any way replace Dylan but we were meant to be knee high in in toys and dirty nappies 7 months ago!!

We have also created a site in the memory of our darling son it's: http://babydylan-royce-souppouris.memory-of.com